Wednesday, December 8, 2010
It made me think of this picture from the California Academy of Sciences, which I've been meaning to share with you; there is something very soothing about both the ripples and the colors of this aquarium shot.
But I also realized yesterday, in talking with my husband, that not all ripples are calming. I was trying to explain to him how much I wish he would begin actively looking for work, and as I began to articulate the feeling it quickly became apparent that I'd tapped into some sort of volcano; that actually I've been upset for some time -- however much I've tried to stay calm and go with the flow -- by his procrastination in this area.
Once released, of course, it was hard to stem the tide of feelings; they were rippling out with a momentum of their own. I never actually yelled, or burst into tears (though I felt myself on the edge of both), but I could feel how deeply distraught I've been about this situation, and, worse yet, how long it's been coloring my interactions with him, and how rude I've become to him.
Yes, I get that by ordinary standards these variations in my behavior are small, but I also realize I've not been liking myself all that much lately, precisely because of my reluctance to engage in meaningless chatter with him. Apparently some part of me decided -- without actually checking with the rest of me -- that if he wasn't talking about his job hunt I wasn't interested in what he had to say.
It's pretty disturbing to see how unconscious I can be even when I'm making a deliberate effort to be more conscious. Disturbing also to see how separate I can feel when I work so hard toward oneness. Fortunately we are reading about acceptance in spirituality class, and this week's learning is to accept, not only the challenges life throws us, but also our own sometimes fishy responses.
And so I look at this image and long to slip into its depth and color; to accept that the ripples of feeling may not just be on the surface; may be bubbling up from a far deeper place than the reflections I've been sharing. Nothing here is all that clear; there are lots of distortions, and will continue to be for a while. And it's all good -- the striving, the procrastination, the attempts to hide and the overflow, the recognition and the distortion... it's all part of what is here, and what is now. And every moment I spend getting to know it better, sinking into it, is time well spent.
Posted by Diane Walker at 12:00 PM