Today I am a goat

Today's prayer in Wondrous Encounters is this:

"Loving God, allow me to be a sheep at least once in a while, and never let me forget that most of my life I have been a goat."

Rohr is referring here to our Lenten Gospel reading for today (Matthew 25:31 - 46), particularly the part about God dividing us into sheep and goats and the sheep getting to sit at God's right hand.

Today there is no danger of forgetting my goatish nature, because yesterday I screwed up.  I had gone to rehearsal Thursday evening for Schola Nova, the women's compline choir that sings once a month on the island.  I had even written down our scheduled performance time on the calendar for yesterday.

But it was a busy weekend -- I had an article and a paper due and stories to edit for a friend, and surprise guests off and on all day yesterday -- and, well... I completely spaced the performance.  Didn't even think about it until I glanced at the calendar at around 11pm to see when the vet appointment was for this morning.

It was bad.  And moreso because our numbers were already thin for this performance.  So although I sent an apology to the director (who is a dear friend -- let's just add to the guilt levels here) and fell asleep around midnight, I woke at 3:30 and tossed and turned until finally at 6 I gave up and came downstairs.

I hate screwing up.  Hate being a goat.  And even Desmond Tutu's words today -- "As human beings we may tarnish the sheen or rend the fabric of our own goodness... But because we are human, we cannot completely rip out and destroy every vestige of the godliness by which and for which we were made.  We cannot alter our essence. We are made by God, who is goodness itself.  We are made like God.  We are made for goodness." -- fail to reassure me.

So I went into meditation feeling pretty grumpy and uncentered; riddled with shame and distaste for my goatliness.  But there were gifts to be found.  The first was a memory from my song bank -- the tune and lyrics from an old song called "I'm yours, Lord:"

"I'm yours Lord
Everything I've got
Everything I am
Everything I'm not.

I'm yours Lord
Try me now and see
See if I can be
Completely yours."

Somehow, hearing that song in my head, I was reminded that we bring everything to God, not just our good parts, but our bad parts, too.  Which somehow made it easier to remember that God doesn't kick the goats away, he just puts them on his left side; they're still loved. 

And then I found myself thinking about sheep and goats and... well, frankly, I really have always been more of a goat.  I think of sheep as obedient, timid, not particularly bright... but goats -- well, goats are crazy and fun to watch and unpredictable and irritating.  I'm not even sure I'm wild enough to be a goat.  But I'm not all that proud of my more sheepish moments.  So maybe being a goat isn't SO terrible.  Maybe it's a good thing to be a blend of both.

And finally I came to this picture -- which I've always loved.  Yes, this is a goat.  But who could resist that face, that direct gaze, the innocence and honesty and, yes, a little stubbornness there.  So if I can love this little goat, doesn't that mean that even at my goatly worst I am still loveable?

So, yes, I screwed up.  And there will be consequences, I'm sure.  But I can't just give up and toss my goatly self into the briar patch.  For one thing, goats probably LIKE briar patches!  But the important thing is to accept, apologize, and move on.  Yes, we all have our goatish moments.  But we just have to remember: nothing is irredeemable, and nothing is unforgiveable.  And nothing ever separates us from the Love of God.