The problem with Valentine's Day

My younger daughter is home on break, and we spent yesterday on a pilgrimage to Forks and LaPush Washington, in honor of her current fascination with Twilight and the romantic (?) world of vampires.

The subject of Valentine's Day came up frequently in the conversation, and from all sorts of angles; it surfaced again later in the evening when I was at the theater with two newly divorced friends, and again even later on the way home in the company of my daughter and one of our gay friends.

In a lot of ways Valentine's Day is like Christmas -- for a (thankfully not so extended as Christmas) period of time we are bombarded with images of "true love" as our society imagines it to be; a sort of romanticized fantasy of what relationship is REALLY all about. And it's just as hard on Valentine's Day as it is at Christmas to withstand that bombardment without at some point becoming painfully conscious that your life is NOT what all those images and stories seem to imply it should be; that each of us has needs for love that are not being met.

It is hardest, of course, for those who are "between relationships:" the relentless parade of loving couples and romantic gestures only remind them of what they lost, or never had, and may never have or have again; of the promises not kept and the hopes and dreams that have shriveled from lack of nourishment.

But those who are in loving relationships can find it challenging as well, either because their mates don't live up to expectations, or show love in traditional ways, or because other challenges and losses in their lives are overwhelming and draining their awareness of love: loss of a parent, child, job or home, health or transportation, or just the struggle of daily existence can make it hard to see and appreciate the love we do have. Love, in some ways, is like art in the marketplace, or marketing in the business world: the first casualty in times of stress. And then things can look dark indeed.

Those of us who are fortunate enough to have rich spiritual lives can take a great deal of comfort from the sense of love and fulfillment that arises in the course of our spritual practice. But even then there is a longing that lies not far beneath the surface, tears that pool at the corners of our eyes, hope that reaches upward for the divine as this tree strains toward the light. We just have to trust that somehow, in the tension of that -- the pooled longing, the straining, and the hope -- we will find blessings and growth to feed us and the compassion to reach out in love to all the others around us who hunger.


...and now, since my friend Karen tagged me, and in honor of the Soul Journal Valentine's Day Blog Party, here is my husband meme -- before which, I just have to say, THANKS HONEY FOR THE ROSES AND CHOCOLATES! (yum, dark chocolate truffles, my favorite!)(and a special thanks to Ali for encouraging him to honor the day):

1)Husband's Name: Christian

2)How long have you been married? In July it will be TWENTY-FIVE YEARS!!! Yay!

3)How long did you date? A year and a half.

4)How old is he? 57

5)Who eats more sweets? He does, no question, though I do need my chocolate...

6)Who is the better singer? I am. He can't carry a tune, even with a bucket, and he knows it.

7)Who is smarter? We each have our areas of excellence and lesser achievement. He's more a math and science kind of dude, I'm more into humanities and religion. He reads more non-fiction; I read more fiction. He's a walking encyclopedia about history and politics but I can figure out how things work and fix them. It's all good, we completely complement each other's areas of expertise.

8)Who does the laundry? I do, but he does the dishes and is a better cook (I wish he cooked more often!) Fortunately the kids -- when they're home -- do their own. And I never have to iron!

9)Who pays the bills? He earns the money; I write the checks.

10)Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? We used to switch every year but now he sleeps on my right side unless we're traveling, in which case he gets the side that has the lamp.

11)Who mows the lawn? Nobody has to mow -- it's all dune grass!

12)Who cooks dinner? I do, about 3 times a week. The rest of the time is leftovers, or we go out, or he cooks.

13)Who drives? He prefers to, but occasionally I get fed up with his driving style and take over. Because he commutes by motorcycle, he has a tendency to speed, and to stop and turn rather suddenly; I think he forgets he has a huge car to drag around the corner...

14)Who is the first to say they are wrong? Whichever one of us is wrong. We share the burden... but I have to say, we can count the arguments on just a hand or two; we rub together awfully well.

15)Who kissed who first? I think he claims this one, cuz he liked me before I liked him. It took me a while to figure out how terrific he was.

16)Who asked who out first? Again -- he pursued for a while before I caught up...

17)Who wears the pants? Hard to say -- this is a terrifically egalitarian relationship. I guess it depends on what the issue is -- maybe we each have one leg in? Hmm. Sounds like fun!