Saturday, February 26, 2011

Meditatus Interruptus

This has always been one of my favorite spots on Shaw.  It's just a lowly storage shed, on the UW Biological Preserve; just a madrona tree, a hillock, some grass, some rocks, the roots of a tree long gone... But there's a rightness to it, an order, a balance, a serenity that really appeals to me -- especially on mornings like this one.

Because today I'm just... well... cranky.  And I have decided -- since it's happened before (and unfortunately twice in the last two days) to name this particular disease: it's meditatus interruptus.  And frankly, I wish it didn't bug me so much.

The crankiness isn't so much about the causes of the disease; in a house with four residents it is inevitable that if I am not careful about waking and meditating before 7 am, someone will probably get up and disturb me; I can hardly blame them (though of course that's my initial response; I'm only human!)

But this has always been my pattern: any emotion that even remotely resembles anger is always followed by guilt.  So even if my initial response is to be annoyed, closely on the heels of that response there follows an awareness of my own complicity in the problem: that mass of shoulds.  I should have gotten up earlier.  I should have remembered to bring my bag of Starbucks' half-decaf breakfast blend coffee back from Shaw instead of leaving it in the freezer there... or I should have mixed some decaf in with this morning's coffee so I wouldn't be so wired.  I should, knowing I was getting a late start, have gone into a room, shut the door, and put up a do-not-disturb sign.  And, finally, I shouldn't take one look at the pantry/office I'd meant to reorganize today and decide I just can't handle it.  And here's the big one: I shouldn't let it bug me so much.  If I were really the spiritual person I claim -- or at least want -- to be, one or two missed meditations wouldn't leave me feeling so disoriented and restless. 

Oy.  I need to stop being so hard on myself, eh?  Or maybe go back to bed and start over...


Deanna said...

Will forever remember the wisdom of my Chaplain Supervisor: "I wish you would stop being so hard on yourself. Then maybe you'd stop being so d-mned hard on the rest of us." Sending love your way and energy as you lean into the learning how to "stop 'shoulding' all over yourself!"

Louise Gallagher said...

Ah yes, being hard on ourselves makes it hard on others!

Hugs and love and healing energy to you. Breathe my friend. Breathe.

You are amazing and never cease to inspire me with your openess and honesty.