My brain is a guitar with more than one string

After a week of doing the lovingkindness meditation -- chanting "May I/you/all beings be peaceful, joyful, loving and kind -- I understand a little better why all my attempts at meditation failed over the years until I found Centering Prayer.

Initially this mantra was wonderful. But as the week went by I realized my brain is a bit like a guitar: it has more than one string to vibrate. Which means the mantra can be chanting away on one string but the other string or strings seem to be able to move and sing independently.

So while I can hear and feel the peaceful, joyful thing -- and can even be conscious of how it falls on my breath -- some other part of my brain seems to exist separately from that activity. Somehow, attuning my spiritual focus to the mantra gives that other part of my brain permission to run rampant -- which means that not only am I not paying attention to those thoughts, but also I'm not experiencing the calm center of my being.

The end result is that I've been becoming increasingly less conscious and distracted during my non-meditative hours. i.e., this is Not Working for me! Turns out the central act of centering prayer -- releasing and returning to center -- enacts a kind of healing within me, and is an essential resource for my daily living. And, being the kind of person I am, I need all the parts of my brain and heart to be dedicated to that one central act in order for it to work.

So although I love this mantra, it will now become part of my conscious/awake time. Since I now know I've got at least two strings in this brain of mine, maybe I should just keep one of them strumming away at the mantra during the times when the rest of me is sort of on auto-pilot, going through the tasks of the day.

But wait: doesn't that mean I won't be fully present for those tasks? Hmm. I suppose at one level that's true... but if I think of the mantra as music, then I can think of it as replacing all the other music that is constantly strumming away in me. Because the fact is there is ALWAYS music playing in my head, whether or not I'm paying attention to it. So wouldn't it be good to CHOOSE that music rather than to just let it churn away?

Ah, but the music almost always carries a gift in it: often when I stop to listen to the words of it I realize my unconscious is sending me a message. So I'm not sure I want to replace it. What then shall I do with the mantra? Perhaps it is enough to add it to my garden of songs and trust my unconscious to pull it out and play it when it's important to do so. Which -- now that it's been playing in the background of my brain all week -- seems like a good possibility. Maybe my job was just to plant it firmly and water it for a bit; the fruit will take care of itself.

Mostly I'm just glad to get back to the peace of Centering Prayer. With what's coming up in our lives for the next two weeks, I suspect I'm going to need it!