Where we belong

This morning, in my reading of John O'Donohue's classic, Anam Cara, I have come to his thoughts on the nature of employment. This is a tricky subject for me for any number of reasons, but the three that loom largest this morning are these:

1. The ongoing discussions around whether or not I am "working" given that I neither report to a place of work nor have any income to speak of (let's not go there)

2. My last place of employment was supremely dysfunctional, and though I left of my own volition it took me years to recover my equilibrium... and, sadly, I was working for The Church. (Let's not go here, either)

3. (and probably most significant at the moment) My husband was laid off last week: this photograph was taken at his goodbye party on Friday. I like to think the empty chairs are significant: if you ask "What were they THINKING?" the answer is -- in my head, at least -- "They weren't!"

Before you gasp in horror at my misfortune, I will hasten to say that though the initial shock of it was devastating, after a week of processing I see that this experience is full of gifts, and that we are blessed in many ways that others in a similar situation are not. Though -- like many others in this country -- what savings we had have been considerably reduced by the recent economic downturn, the fact is that he received a good severance package and has already begun to be courted by other employers both within and outside the company. His biggest challenge, I suspect, will be resisting the urge to return to work before he takes advantage of some much-needed time off. We'll see -- there could be more nasty surprises ahead -- but for now prospects are good and we are having fun imagining how we can spend our summer off together. In some ways the Rumi poem I received for this morning from Spirituality and Practice perfectly summarizes my emotional ride of this past week:

Sometimes, in order to help, He makes us miserable;
but heartache for His sake brings happiness.
Laughter will come after tears.
Whoever foresees this is a servant blessed by God.
Wherever water flows, life flourishes:
wherever tears fall, Divine mercy is shown.

What's interesting to me is that it also describes, in a way, my emotional ride of the last 13 years since I quit that last devastating job of mine, because the level of tears and heartache you can experience when you are betrayed while laboring "on behalf of the Lord" can seem rather extreme: you are forced to question, not just your employers, but yourself, your faith, your church, your entire belief system, and even the existence of the Divine. And yet, the blessings in all those tears have been huge and still continue to multiply.

My guess is that there is still healing to be done, both for my husband and for me. But I think that part of the reason he seems relatively sanguine about his new status as a member of the increasingly vast sea of unemployed folk is that, unlike me, he has always been very much his own person. (And, unlike me, he was serving in a work environment that encouraged questioning, valued the integrity and competence of its employees, and fostered -- and relied upon -- creativity.) O'Donohue beautifully describes what can go wrong in our relationship with the workplace -- at least, it beautifully describes what happened to me, and helps me understand why it took me so long to recover:

"You should never belong fully to something that is outside yourself. It is very important to find a balance in your belonging. You should never belong totally to any cause or system. People frequently need to belong to an external system because they are afraid to belong to their own lives. If your soul is awakened, then you realize that this is the house of your real belonging. Your longing is safe there...

Longing (he goes on) is a precious instinct in the soul. Where you belong should always be worthy of your dignity. You should belong first in your own interiority. If you belong there, and if you are in rhythm with yourself and connected to that deep, unique source within, then you will never be vulnerable when your outside belonging is qualified, relativized, or taken away. You will still be able to stand on your own ground, the ground of your soul, where you are not a tenant, where you are at home. Your interiority is the ground from which nobody can distance, exclude, or exile you. This is your treasure. As the New Testament says, where your treasure is, there is your heart also."

Though my husband has never been drawn to the spiritual life and considers himself to be somewhat of an agnostic, the fact remains that he is very much himself, very much in rhythm with himself, and has always been wary of causes and systems. At the same time he is a humble, deeply loyal and committed employee -- which is part of why he has been with the same company for 17 years. He not only bears the company no ill will but believes they made a perfectly reasonable decision under the circumstances, and he frankly looks forward to returning to work there sometime in the not too distant future -- preferably AFTER he's had some time to play a bit, learn some new skills, and pursue a few dreams of his own.

Which is not to say there will not be challenges to face in the road ahead. But whatever they may be, we know we will face them together -- opposites though we may appear to be -- and that is one of the greatest blessings in my life.