Some days it's not all that clear

There's something about this series of images -- which I've been working on for a couple of years now -- that still really appeals to me; something about the way they are both stark and subtle; crisp and still a bit mystical...

Which is probably a metaphor for how I approach... faith? Religion? Spirituality?  I am uncomfortable with all of those words, which just don't seem to describe what is real for me about that mystical presence that inspires my readings and writings in the realm of Buddhism and Christianity.

And then there's the language around prayer, centering prayer, and meditation, which also seems fraught with pre-conceptions.

And here I am: it's Lent, and I've vowed to spend this time exploring Desmond Tutu and Richard Rohr, and the language they both use is very, well... Christian.  And even though I love what they have to say, I feel it pulling me from my own center, which, though I clearly operate from a Christian perspective, is somewhere a little less... defined.

So my writings here have been feeling a little preachy.  And the images have been more consciously chosen.  Which feels like I'm being more cerebral than usual, and I'd prefer to be operating out of a more intuitive space.

But just when I think, this stuff is throwing me off, I need to steep myself in some Jack Kornfield or something, I read something like this from Desmond Tutu:  "When we listen to the voice of God in prayer... we hear the voice of one who sees and loves the already of us.  We hear the voice of one who knows and loves the not yet of our being."

I can't say I've heard this voice all that often.  But I have heard it, and I know how it makes me feel.  That voice he is describing is unquestionably that same mystical presence that informs my work.  It seems very clear at times, and yet mostly... well, fuzzy; hard to see, or hear, or define...

And so I'm learning to trust that it's all okay: okay sometimes to be preachy, okay to drift back and forth across the line between these two extraordinary faiths, okay to be Christian one month and Buddhist the next, to be clear one minute and utterly confused in the next.  It's all good -- the important thing is to stay mindful and keep honoring the presence, however defined or undefined it proves to be from one day to the next.

And of course Richard Rohr's prayer for today is a perfect response to all of this:


"Merciful God, all I can give you, and all you ever want, is who I really am."

... and if some days that's not all that clear, well, that's okay, too.