Why women need retreats after Christmas

Yesterday a friend of mine suggested I publish this note, written recently in response to a query from one of my daughters. She had asked, not entirely in jest, why I was always retreating; shouldn't I be advancing?

If I had my druthers, like most housewives and mothers I know, I would go on two retreats a year: one in January, and one in September. There are several reasons for this:

1. I find, over the years, that though I am more outgoing and more comfortable with myself, I have also become more of an introvert and less of an extrovert. I tend to need more alone time now, something I don't get too much of at Christmas time or at the end of the summer.

2. The nature of life for a housewife and mother is that those are times of high demand -- particularly Christmas, with activities and orchestration of the shopping and the decoration and the cooking and doing dishes and whatever entertaining that happens, not to mention those seasonal emotional challenges -- and we spend so much time ministering to the needs of our families that we tend to lose track of ourselves.

3. It takes a lot of time and energy to get the house back in order after those high use periods - partly because it gets more messed up than usual, and partly because I haven't had time to tend to it regularly because I'm so busy doing all the other stuff. Though that heavy post-holiday or post-summer cleanup is not a task I particularly enjoy, I do it because I function better when things are tidy around me, the bills are paid, the tax stuff is gathered up, etc.

4. I am still, despite all my experience, a bit of a novice at faith. My faith feeds me, but I'm still not that great at sensing God while I'm doing the dishes; I kind of need to pay specific attention to God to tap into that well of divine resource. When I am meditating I can return to that rich open space inside, but short periods of meditation once a day are not as likely to enrich and deepen that connection as a whole week of meditating 8 hours a day -- or even a weekend of doing that. I count on that internal well to feed all the things that are important to me: my writing, my photography, and my ministry to household, family, friends, animals, community, etc., and if there are lots of demands on my time and energy the well can start to, if not run dry, at least plug up. It takes conscious attention to get the energy flowing again.

5. I want a break at the end of those high-demand periods, want not to have to wait on or feed anyone or walk the dog or shop or listen to anyone or take anyone anywhere. As I believe you've noticed over time, we moms don't get much in the way of Christmas presents, and sometimes birthdays (and of course mine is in the summer) can be a bit of a let-down as well. Retreats are my Christmas and birthday presents to myself: On a retreat someone else usually provides food for me at regular intervals, and I don't have to worry about shopping, or cooking, or cleaning up. If there's any talking or discussion, it's about faith, or God or callings and stirrings, not computer programming or politics or clothes or drama or who's taking out the garbage or who's walking or feeding the dog.

I love being a wife and mother, love my girls and my husband, love the cats and the dog, love my home... but all of those things and relationships take energy to maintain. I learned from the priest who counseled me during my divorce all those years ago that you can't pour out of an empty cup, so retreats are my way of refilling my internal cup so I can achieve a better balance in those external parts of my life for the rest of the year. That over-squeeziness you mentioned in your recent note may well come out of the fact that I am so un-centered right now.

Thank you for listening to this ramble; hope it all makes sense. Retreats, despite the sound of the word, are not about internalizing or running away: between the blog and my friendships and the novels and the poetry and the emails and theater experiences and photo assignments and art classes and dance classes and coffee dates etc. I get plenty of opportunities to be out there advancing and articulating. They're more about running back to the source to be fed: I lead a pretty active life, and keeping myself centered is what allows me to keep all that energized.

... and I love you! Thanks for your patience with my mothering; it's a constantly changing job and there are always new dancesteps to learn.